Finally, a chance to finish off my highlights on Brazil…the tardiness in completing this blog series can only be attributed to the forces of life and nature. But maybe it is meant to be, coming almost a year to when I first entered Brazil and coinciding with my current adventures in Spain that also involves a cruise 🤔 Or perhaps the timing is a cathartic way to put a bow on 2024 to wrap up the year that was and look forward to whatever the new year will bring. As I shall reveal, the theme I finish off with on Brazil is one of retrospection and introspection during and following that trip; it was the process that set the stage for my decision to resign from the College of Nursing at the University of Manitoba (UM) and where I am at as 2025 begins.
My grand adventure to Brazil last year truly was an opportunity to rediscover myself after a pretty catastrophic career move in going to UM from the University of New Brunswick Saint John. I won’t dwell too much on the general lack of support, inequities, and hegemony that pretty much dashed the aspirations and vision I brought to UM after 34 years dedicated to my nursing career (37 if you count the time in “training”) - I will reveal more on that in future posts. But a bit of context is necessary and, suffice to say, the move to UM had taken a huge toll on my personal wellbeing and sense of self-worth from the transition in July 2020. Granted my transition coincided with the height of the COVID pandemic and things were discombobulated for everyone, but there had been no support for that to address the isolation of newcomers coming to UM...at least not in the College of Nursing. Kind of ironic being the caring profession and all. At the time of starting at UM I was told that I would be expected to be in the classroom if COVID restrictions were lifted but in the beginning decisions whether to reopen were communicated just before each semester. So I was committed to renting a place and pretty much stuck in Winnipeg on my own knowing all of 4 people and restricted by the COVID bubble.
The adventure to Brazil was the result of my work co-supervising a PhD student from the Federal University of Santa Catarina and, as invited Visiting Scholar, provided me the opportunity to both share my knowledge and experience and to build a potential international relationship - usually a much desired goal for faculty in tenure-track roles. My decision to cruise from LA to Buenos Aires to start my travels to Brazil was intentional to provide some space and a fresh environment to re-energize - it was also a convenient way to get much luggage and College of Nursing marketing materials to my destination. Little did I know that the cruise, coinciding with the Christmas holiday break in 2023, would be the start of a cathartic experience that provided me an epiphany as to how much the UM experience had impacted me.
First, the trip (both cruise and Brazilian adventure) gave me a much needed change of pace and scenery to see a different world and other ways of being - this included yet another perspective on academia (I already had tenure time and experience at several Canadian academic institutions). I would discover that the dog-eat-dog competition in academia where many climb over each other or ride on the coattails of others, especially in nursing, was not so different. The overall work atmosphere seemed more collegial (I certainly saw this with the faculty at the Federal University of Rio de Janeiro) but the politics was pretty much the same - expectations to drink the KoolAid, bend the knee, kiss the ring, and conform until tenure is secured seems universal.
Second, the trip gave me a sense of how much more balanced life and work could be and an appreciation how our Western (well, North American) culture is not really the healthiest way of being. Although I maintained a fairly rigorous work routine while away, I achieved a sense of balance in exercise, reflection, and socializing that enhanced my productivity - I had not experienced that since before starting my PhD and never recovered headed into an academic tenure-track position.
Third, having taken a leap of misplaced faith in my move to UM , the social isolation in Winnipeg during COVID, and being benched for almost 5 months following emergency spinal/back surgery (also in Winnipeg during COVID) had literally sucked away my energy and spirit - it essentially resulted in a failure to thrive. Approaching 61, I was experiencing a profound sense of hopelessness and loss that I could not have imagined, and so the Brazil adventure was an opportunity to reflect, rejuvenate, and seek a path to renewal. A chance to rediscover myself.
Until my back injury and diagnosis of significant cauda equina (a true surgical emergency), I had enjoyed pretty good physical health. As for most people in the time of COVID, there was the impact of restrictions that prevented easy access to recreational facilities and the resulting weight gain with 100% online everything. I was not running as I had been, but tried to be active when I could. But, as many in a tenure-track role will tell you, the first thing to go out the window are exercise and diet when one is faced with deadlines to meet productivity goals - class prep, grant writing, publications, service work, etc. In my case, the transition to Winnipeg and UM in July 2020 meant having to settle into new environments, do onboarding and orientation, and try to establish networks to advance my program of research. I had been promised a semester of release time to get settled in and this was one of the reasons I accepted the UM position. However, in contrast to those hired after me, some newer colleagues with no tenure-track experience had up to 10 months to get established but I had to prepare to teach on top of everything - literally all of the above in my first two months. And with a new course, preparation was on the fly so there was no let up in the first two semesters as I took on three classes to help cover the illness of a teaching colleague.
I was also bouncing around in living arrangements until I could secure an apartment, so any type of structured routine was near impossible. Needless to say, whatever exercise regime I had evaporated. Even time needed to prepare healthy meals whilst living out of boxes meant that a proper diet also went sideways. And, unfortunately, I am a stress eater…so whatever was easy and available, usually processed and carb-laden, became the norm. In no time my weight was starting to balloon, my blood pressure peaked at about 170/110 (with meds it came down to about 130-140/85ish), and I was starting to experience a sustained situational depression. Other workplace circumstances added to the overwhelming workload, such as lack of promised mentorship, and so began the start of a downward spiral. The change was so insidious that I had no idea of the magnitude until I was able to get away to Brazil...the proverbial forest through the trees phenomenon.
It was on the cruise to South America and then in Brazil that I began to re-establish connections with old friends through social media and also began new social connections with a variety of people of different backgrounds. Until this time I had not realized what a hermit I had become since relocating to Winnipeg whilst under the COVID restrictions - the solitude that it caused in addition to the impossible workload was antithesis to my extroverted personality. I had only known a few people when moving to Winnipeg, but they had busy lives and were in their COVID bubbles. And while Manitobans can be a friendly people, as a new outsider in lockdown I had few established connections outside of UM. Aside from requisite work interactions for meetings, there were few colleagues that were inclined to socialize. Ironically, some of that social engagement would not occur until walking the picket lines in December 2021.
My isolation had been compounded by an aversion to using virtual technology to socially connect because, quite frankly, the novelty of using it after teaching and meetings all day had long worn off and my preference had always been to socialize face-to-face. Over time I had retreated into myself without realizing the depth of the withdrawal or the impact it was having on my psyche. Further, after two years of restrictions and not really feeling at home in Winnipeg or UM, I had given up building a social network - the time and effort seemed exhausting and pointless given all that had (not) happened with my career trajectory. I had already begun to sense that UM was a dead-end to the point we decided that Jean would not move to Winnipeg after his retirement and we would retain our homebase in Montreal.
But with meeting new people on the ship and, when I got to Brazil, my social connections began to flourish - it was made quite easy given the general welcoming warmth of most Brazilians and the friendliness of most people I encountered. There was always a place in the conversation, an invitation out somewhere new, and a sense of inclusiveness that I had not experienced since being in New Brunswick. As I previously noted, Brazilians can be quite dynamic and expressive which I found both intriguing and stimulating in equal measure; and there was also a generosity in spirit that was a very new experience for me. I think it was most evident leading up to and during carnival, where I really felt the sense of isolation melt away and began to feel more of my previous social self. It was a bit of a paradox in that, when in a totally different culture and language space, it is harder to communicate…Portuguese is not a very intuitive or easy language to master, especially when already is linguistically challenged. However, just making the attempt to converse and to engage went quite far in the social realm. I particularly noticed this at the academic level as I engaged with faculty and students - there was a genuine appreciation of my contribution of knowledge and expertise, something that I certainly had not experienced at UM. I had forgotten how rewarding and fulfilling it could be when a respectful and reciprocal exchange of learning and sharing happens, and I was definitely gaining as much (if not more) knowledge and insights as I was able to give. In academia, I have never been one to play up what I do or feel the need for a gold star to be validated, although that certainly seems to be what many others need and what the game is all about. But just having that feeling of mutual respect, value, and equitable treatment in Brazil was rewarding and invigorating.
The physical change in environment in Brazil also brought on a change in personal well-being, both in terms of physical health and mental health. As we know from all the science, one's physical and mental health go hand-in-hand. Before going to Winnipeg, I was much more outdoorsy and, having lived on both coasts where the weather was more amenable to being out and about, I would usually start my morning with a brisk walk and/or run, work out in the gym, or do laps in the pool. Being outdoors had always been a big part of my life being raised on farm in northern Alberta and having lived in Yellowknife for a spell I was no stranger to cold or adverse to being out in sub-zero temperatures. But with the COVID restrictions and isolation in Winnipeg, the self-discipline of getting out diminished with the overwhelming workload and seeds of depression that had eroded my motivation.
When I first got to Santa Catarina, I would either head out with Angela and Marlene for an early morning beach walk and splash in the surf or go on my own 10 - 15 km brisk walk before settling into my day’s work. The timing was great, since I had a 3-hour time zone difference ahead of Winnipeg and could get my exercise in and be showered and dressed before anyone at “home” was up. With exercise, fresh air, heat (that decreases my appetite), and renewed energy I found I was able to trim off about 20 lbs, I had capacity to think better, and I certainly felt happier. My blood pressure dropped to the point that I almost took myself off my antihypertensives and diuretic, often ranging from 110-120/70-80. Seriously, I had not been in such good physical and cardiac state since before I started my PhD and ran 3 - 4 half-marathons per year. And, of course, this just made me feel so much better and more productive.
On the mental health side I simply felt the best I had in years. I started sleeping better, both in quality and duration as I often had challenges settling at bedtime and then the hamsters would start their spin class in the middle of the night, sending reminders of academic stressors and deadlines at a most inconvenient time. I had resorted to self-medication with Benadryl, Gravol, and/or Robaxicin to sleep through the night but after the first few weeks in Brazil none of this was necessary. The exercise helped with better sleep and mental wellbeing, but so too did the relaxation of being outside in nature. Whether on my long walks or time on the beach or the occasional hike, there was time and mental space just to reflect and to relax. I have always found that being out in nature has helped in processing ideas and issues; my most creative and inspirational ideas often occurred during long runs, swims, or hikes. For instance, it was on a long beach walk after deciding I would get a tattoo in Brazil that I conceptualized the potential design (see “The Parrot Sketch” blog).
And it was during the long solitary walks that I started to process my experience at UM and begin thinking about the need for a potential real change. After about 1 1/2 months in Brazil, I had come to the realization that things could be much different and much more balanced than it had been - it took this extraordinary opportunity, distance, and time to do an inventory and gain an epiphany, of sorts. I rediscovered parts of myself that had gone missing, been suppressed, and/or seriously impacted over the past few years - my usual optimism, my sense of self-worth, my physical health, my mental wellbeing, and my spiritual sense had all been significantly compromised. I also realized that so much of these aspects have been wrapped up in a career path and professional identity I had dedicated so much time and energy to, and that it only took one fateful decision to end up where I now found myself.
So, while in Brazil, I decided to set very specific and concrete conditions for remaining at UM, all of which were tied to the vision and goals I had presented at my hiring interview. First, there had to be a clear sign that some remnant of my original vision could be achieved. Second, there had to be some clear sign that my knowledge and expertise was valued and respected in the College of Nursing and, by extension, UM; that now included the money, time, and effort I had invested in building relationships in Brazil. And, third, at least one of my other major goals (to teach a graduate course, be assigned graduate students, and/or be recognized for my methodological expertise) would be realized. In my mind, life is just too short not to be doing something that is rewarding and brings a sense of fulfillment - now, at 61, the timeline to achieve this is much shorter than what it was. We only get one chance at living life and there is no dress rehearsal.
Not one of the conditions came to fruition - there wasn't the slightest interest in my achievements while in Brazil, I was (again) passed over for a graduate teaching assignment (when some newer hires got up to two courses), and I did not get any new graduate students for this academic year. The workload remained the same (actually higher, as I took on a new course), my exercise went out the window (again), my weight increased past what it was before Brazil, my blood pressure went back to where it started (and a couple other health issues crept in), my sleep became disrupted again, and the downward spiral was beginning to start all over. Only this time I had a plan and, to preserve my health and sanity, the first part of the plan was put into action - I submitted my resignation on September 18, 2024. After a brief period of mourning the loss of 34+ years of investment in my career and a sudden dead-end it is now time to explore new horizons - life is already just too short not to be healthier, happier, and feeling fulfilled. Let's see what 2025 brings.
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